They say that God is only giving you what you think you can handle. Whoever the fuck said that needs to be punched in the face. I keep rolling through my mind why karma is fucking me so bad lately. I can't seem to come up with a good reason. I mean how much can one person take?!
I'm exhausted, emotional, frustrated, hurt and just all around agitated. I'm tired of every time I think things might be looking up, I get knocked down again. I just want to be better. I want to be back at work. I want to see my friends. I want to be able to drive by myself. I want to have a husband who will hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I want him to WANT to comfort me. I want him at the hospital because he WANTS to be there to comfort me and help me through the times. Rather than him going, sitting in a chair, not saying a word and playing on his phone the whole time. When I'm laid up in the hospital I want support and comfort. Not some person just sitting there like a bump on a log.
I'm so damn frustrated. I NEED these things, and yet I'm found lacking. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be bitter or angry. I want to be me again. And I feel like that is slipping away from me.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
No Subject Needed...
So much has been happening the past couple years. Justin was born, Ryan and I got back together, got engaged, rented a house, went through and LIVED through the process of buying a house and moving. That was by far the easiest things we've been through in the past 15 years we've been on and off.
I thought that the house buying process was going to be the end of us. There wasn't a day I didn't want to punch Ryan in the throat out of pure frustration. It wasn't even generally his fault. It was just shear HELL. We managed to find the place we call home and moved in. That was the 'easy' part of the past 2.5 years.
January 2012 I started having issues with my arms. I was losing all mobility in my left arm, having pain and tingling down to the bone. I started going to St. Joseph Mercy Hospital in Ann Arbor. I spent several months there fighting the Dr's trying to get a diagnosis. Finally frustrated I stopped going to my Dr. appointments. After about a month and a half the pain was getting to a point where I was unable to ignore it. I went to my Primary Care Provider for a referral. They referred me to Dr. Kachadurian. I cannot even begin to say the amazing results I received. I did several tests revealing that I went from 8-10 lesions when I saw the Dr at St. Joe's in April, to 18-20 lesions in September. I was diagnosed with MS and started my medication in October of 2012.
That was fun... As if the symptoms of MS aren't bad enough(Optic neuritis, limb pain, memory loss, limb immobility, exhaustion etc) I now had to deal with Side Effects from my medication(Flu like symptoms, headaches, exhaustion). Unfortunately, the medication doesn't seem to be having the effects I want it to. I'm still having severe flare ups. We tried Prednisone which basically was worse than my actual symptoms from MS.
After having a flare up for over a month, Dr K wrote a prescription for Acthar. The injeciton is a 5 day intra muscular injection. On day 3, before the injection I started haven't some issues with my heart. It felt like it wasn't beating right. Dr. K's office told me to not take the injection and go to the ER. So I did. SURPRISE!!!! I had multiple PVC's. Basically my heart would beat 5 times, then it would push out only about 15-20% of the blood in my heart but would recharge completely filling over the maximum capacity my heart could take. Then my heart would exert itself pushing that blood back out. It was doing this approximately 5-6 times a minute.
I was referred to a Cardiologist(I have to add here that I have some of the coolest Dr's. They are absolutely hilarious and share my sense of humor). So the cardiologist put me through several tests. The first was a Stress Echo. I had to do a stress test where I ran on a treadmill, then laid down quick to do an ultra sound of my heart. This test showed that my heart was enlarged on the right side. The enlargement was not caused by meds or sleep apnea. The next choice would be a blood clot. Dr. Grodman sent me for a CT scan which came out clear for blood clots, but showed pneumonia. I was treated for pneumonia and also scheduled a Right Heart Catheter.
The Right Heart Catheter showed that my pressure levels were normal. That led my Dr to believe that I had Primary Pulmonary Hypertension. He stated that my heart had approximately 10 years, maybe less because of the MS. Unfortunately, all the tests we did we couldn't figure out why my heart was enlarged. As a last ditch effort he wanted to try a Trans Esophageal Echocardiogram. THANK GOD WE DID. When he finished the TEE he found a hole in my heart between the left and right side of my heart.
Basically this hole was allowing unoxygenated and oxygenated blood to mix before going to my lungs, causing my lungs to not have to work as hard. It's called an Arterial Septal Defect, it's a form of congenital heart defect that enables blood flow between two compartments of the heart called the left and right atria. Normally, the right and left atria are separated by a septum called the interatrial septum. If this septum is defective or absent, then oxygen-rich blood can flow directly from the left side of the heart to mix with the oxygen-poor blood in the right side of the heart. This can lead to lower oxygen levels in the arterial blood that supplies the brain, organs, and tissues.
To fix the ASD we could either try to go in through a heart catheter with an umbrella and close it or go through open heart surgery. To be able to close it through the catheter, there has to be 5 mm of tissue on each end of the hole to connect the umbrella to. The TEE was showing the tissue measuring at approximately 2 mm. My Cardiologist referred me to Dr. Abbas at Beaumont hospital for a 3D TEE to try to see if maybe there was a chance that the tissue was bigger. Monday April 8th I went to Beaumont for the 3D TEE. There was a 10-15% chance that there was enough tissue to be able to fix it the easy way.
While I was under anesthesia, I was coughing because of a blockage. They went in and removed it. Apparently while I was down they stirred up some kind of infection. When I woke up there was a lot of pressure on my chest and I was coughing a lot. The hospital wanted to keep me over night. That night I ran a fever of 103.5. It sucked. The following 4 days sucked worse. Because my white cell count was so high due to infection the hospital wouldn't allow me to go home until it came down. I was on IV antibiotics every 6 hours for 48 hours. By thursday I was allowed to move to Oral Augmentin. Friday morning my white cell count was low enough that I was allowed to leave the hospital with a prescription for Augmentin for a week.
Today I met with my Pulmonologist, did a breathing test, everything is good and I have been cleared. Monday I go in for my pre surgery testing and my Open Heart Surgery is scheduled for Wednesday the 24th. To say the least I'm actually slightly excited. I just want to get this done and over with.
I'm exhausted. The past two years have physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted me. Whether it was from house hunting, medical issues, juggling kids, kids being sick, fighting with family, fighting with non family, stress from work, musicals, fighting with friends or just life in general. I. AM. EXHAUSTED. I try to stay positive, I try to pretend like everything is ok and nothing phases me. But that isn't true. Everything phases me. The emotional portion is the hardest. I'm not an emotional person. I don't like to cry or show weakness. Unfortunately I'm weaker than I want to be. I'm in pain a good majority of the time and I need help. I act like I'm ok and put on a pretty good facade, but when I wake up in the morning and can't physically walk... that changes everything about you. When I don't get help when I actually have the balls to come out and ask for, it hurts. I don't need much, but the little bit of help I DO need means a lot to me. Eventually, I'll stop asking for the help I'm not receiving. That will be my lowest of lows.
I thought that the house buying process was going to be the end of us. There wasn't a day I didn't want to punch Ryan in the throat out of pure frustration. It wasn't even generally his fault. It was just shear HELL. We managed to find the place we call home and moved in. That was the 'easy' part of the past 2.5 years.
January 2012 I started having issues with my arms. I was losing all mobility in my left arm, having pain and tingling down to the bone. I started going to St. Joseph Mercy Hospital in Ann Arbor. I spent several months there fighting the Dr's trying to get a diagnosis. Finally frustrated I stopped going to my Dr. appointments. After about a month and a half the pain was getting to a point where I was unable to ignore it. I went to my Primary Care Provider for a referral. They referred me to Dr. Kachadurian. I cannot even begin to say the amazing results I received. I did several tests revealing that I went from 8-10 lesions when I saw the Dr at St. Joe's in April, to 18-20 lesions in September. I was diagnosed with MS and started my medication in October of 2012.
That was fun... As if the symptoms of MS aren't bad enough(Optic neuritis, limb pain, memory loss, limb immobility, exhaustion etc) I now had to deal with Side Effects from my medication(Flu like symptoms, headaches, exhaustion). Unfortunately, the medication doesn't seem to be having the effects I want it to. I'm still having severe flare ups. We tried Prednisone which basically was worse than my actual symptoms from MS.
After having a flare up for over a month, Dr K wrote a prescription for Acthar. The injeciton is a 5 day intra muscular injection. On day 3, before the injection I started haven't some issues with my heart. It felt like it wasn't beating right. Dr. K's office told me to not take the injection and go to the ER. So I did. SURPRISE!!!! I had multiple PVC's. Basically my heart would beat 5 times, then it would push out only about 15-20% of the blood in my heart but would recharge completely filling over the maximum capacity my heart could take. Then my heart would exert itself pushing that blood back out. It was doing this approximately 5-6 times a minute.
I was referred to a Cardiologist(I have to add here that I have some of the coolest Dr's. They are absolutely hilarious and share my sense of humor). So the cardiologist put me through several tests. The first was a Stress Echo. I had to do a stress test where I ran on a treadmill, then laid down quick to do an ultra sound of my heart. This test showed that my heart was enlarged on the right side. The enlargement was not caused by meds or sleep apnea. The next choice would be a blood clot. Dr. Grodman sent me for a CT scan which came out clear for blood clots, but showed pneumonia. I was treated for pneumonia and also scheduled a Right Heart Catheter.
The Right Heart Catheter showed that my pressure levels were normal. That led my Dr to believe that I had Primary Pulmonary Hypertension. He stated that my heart had approximately 10 years, maybe less because of the MS. Unfortunately, all the tests we did we couldn't figure out why my heart was enlarged. As a last ditch effort he wanted to try a Trans Esophageal Echocardiogram. THANK GOD WE DID. When he finished the TEE he found a hole in my heart between the left and right side of my heart.
Basically this hole was allowing unoxygenated and oxygenated blood to mix before going to my lungs, causing my lungs to not have to work as hard. It's called an Arterial Septal Defect, it's a form of congenital heart defect that enables blood flow between two compartments of the heart called the left and right atria. Normally, the right and left atria are separated by a septum called the interatrial septum. If this septum is defective or absent, then oxygen-rich blood can flow directly from the left side of the heart to mix with the oxygen-poor blood in the right side of the heart. This can lead to lower oxygen levels in the arterial blood that supplies the brain, organs, and tissues.
To fix the ASD we could either try to go in through a heart catheter with an umbrella and close it or go through open heart surgery. To be able to close it through the catheter, there has to be 5 mm of tissue on each end of the hole to connect the umbrella to. The TEE was showing the tissue measuring at approximately 2 mm. My Cardiologist referred me to Dr. Abbas at Beaumont hospital for a 3D TEE to try to see if maybe there was a chance that the tissue was bigger. Monday April 8th I went to Beaumont for the 3D TEE. There was a 10-15% chance that there was enough tissue to be able to fix it the easy way.
While I was under anesthesia, I was coughing because of a blockage. They went in and removed it. Apparently while I was down they stirred up some kind of infection. When I woke up there was a lot of pressure on my chest and I was coughing a lot. The hospital wanted to keep me over night. That night I ran a fever of 103.5. It sucked. The following 4 days sucked worse. Because my white cell count was so high due to infection the hospital wouldn't allow me to go home until it came down. I was on IV antibiotics every 6 hours for 48 hours. By thursday I was allowed to move to Oral Augmentin. Friday morning my white cell count was low enough that I was allowed to leave the hospital with a prescription for Augmentin for a week.
Today I met with my Pulmonologist, did a breathing test, everything is good and I have been cleared. Monday I go in for my pre surgery testing and my Open Heart Surgery is scheduled for Wednesday the 24th. To say the least I'm actually slightly excited. I just want to get this done and over with.
I'm exhausted. The past two years have physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted me. Whether it was from house hunting, medical issues, juggling kids, kids being sick, fighting with family, fighting with non family, stress from work, musicals, fighting with friends or just life in general. I. AM. EXHAUSTED. I try to stay positive, I try to pretend like everything is ok and nothing phases me. But that isn't true. Everything phases me. The emotional portion is the hardest. I'm not an emotional person. I don't like to cry or show weakness. Unfortunately I'm weaker than I want to be. I'm in pain a good majority of the time and I need help. I act like I'm ok and put on a pretty good facade, but when I wake up in the morning and can't physically walk... that changes everything about you. When I don't get help when I actually have the balls to come out and ask for, it hurts. I don't need much, but the little bit of help I DO need means a lot to me. Eventually, I'll stop asking for the help I'm not receiving. That will be my lowest of lows.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Dear Beaumont... YOU SUCK
What a day... or a couple for that matter.
I came in for my Trans Esophageal Echocardiogram to Beaumont in Royal Oak. It's been eventful. I got here at 11 when my procedure was scheduled. They prepped me and left. By 2 o'clock we were still in my room waiting. We hadn't heard anything from the nurses or the staff. 3 hours.... really people!? So I called the nurse and asked what was going on. She said that they were waiting on the anesthesiologist and it could be a little bit. Ok?! A little bit like 10 minutes, 1 hour, what are we working with here. She said about 30-40 minutes. An hour and 45 minutes later they came to take me into my procedure.
After I woke up I found out they did not get to fix my heart. Bummer. Said while I was down I kept coughing up obstructions. I'm going to go with it was most likely phlegm. They had to go in and remove it. So moving forward i'm going to need to have open heart. They think they can fix it by going in and doing an incision under my right breast and going in that way rather than opening up my rib cage. Somewhat good news.
So, here I am in post op freezing my ass off. I mean, legitimately freezing my ass off. I was shaking so hard my bed was moving. I assumed half of it was from waking up from anesthesia. They gave me a few heated blankets. That did not warm me up. They told me they had my room, called down to Ryan and we were on the move. I get to my room and it's 55 degrees. Mind you, I'm still shaking like a pebble in an earthquake. The male nurse said he turned the heat up. 20 minutes later the nurse comes to see me and i'm still shaking. I ask for a heated blanket, she goes looking. Comes back a few minutes later, they don't have blanket heaters on this level. Give me two blankets. Now i'm up to 5 thick blankets and the sheet for my bed. My REAL nurse comes in and checks thermostat, STILL AT 55. She cranks it up to 73. Now it's been over an hour and Ryan still isn't here.
So I grab my phone and text him. He's in the waiting room, with a pager in hand. They never called him. Dumbasses. He goes to front desk and tells them. They say they can't help him because they didn't get the call. Are you fucking dense?! I give him room number, lady can't find me in the system. Finally after 10 minutes of calling around, they find out I am actually in that room and send Ryan up. By then I'm STILL freezing. He cranks heat to 80. I tell him he can go home and be with Kayden I'm going to bed. He leaves.
The fun part. I'm woken up for vitals and running a fever. Nurse isn't positive the conversion from Celsius to Fahrenheit so tells me about 101. WRONG. It was 103.5. Now this is 8:30 and Ryan had just gotten home. He says he's dropping clothes off with his mom and coming back. Guess what time he got here. Quarter to 12. WTF were you doing for 3.5 hours?! Oh well.
So I wake up and fever is broken. Met with Heart Surgeon. He explained everything. Wrote rx for infusion of antibiotics and chest Xray. Nurse says my antibiotic infusion is every 6 hours :-/ Just found out. May be here a few days.... FML
I came in for my Trans Esophageal Echocardiogram to Beaumont in Royal Oak. It's been eventful. I got here at 11 when my procedure was scheduled. They prepped me and left. By 2 o'clock we were still in my room waiting. We hadn't heard anything from the nurses or the staff. 3 hours.... really people!? So I called the nurse and asked what was going on. She said that they were waiting on the anesthesiologist and it could be a little bit. Ok?! A little bit like 10 minutes, 1 hour, what are we working with here. She said about 30-40 minutes. An hour and 45 minutes later they came to take me into my procedure.
After I woke up I found out they did not get to fix my heart. Bummer. Said while I was down I kept coughing up obstructions. I'm going to go with it was most likely phlegm. They had to go in and remove it. So moving forward i'm going to need to have open heart. They think they can fix it by going in and doing an incision under my right breast and going in that way rather than opening up my rib cage. Somewhat good news.
So, here I am in post op freezing my ass off. I mean, legitimately freezing my ass off. I was shaking so hard my bed was moving. I assumed half of it was from waking up from anesthesia. They gave me a few heated blankets. That did not warm me up. They told me they had my room, called down to Ryan and we were on the move. I get to my room and it's 55 degrees. Mind you, I'm still shaking like a pebble in an earthquake. The male nurse said he turned the heat up. 20 minutes later the nurse comes to see me and i'm still shaking. I ask for a heated blanket, she goes looking. Comes back a few minutes later, they don't have blanket heaters on this level. Give me two blankets. Now i'm up to 5 thick blankets and the sheet for my bed. My REAL nurse comes in and checks thermostat, STILL AT 55. She cranks it up to 73. Now it's been over an hour and Ryan still isn't here.
So I grab my phone and text him. He's in the waiting room, with a pager in hand. They never called him. Dumbasses. He goes to front desk and tells them. They say they can't help him because they didn't get the call. Are you fucking dense?! I give him room number, lady can't find me in the system. Finally after 10 minutes of calling around, they find out I am actually in that room and send Ryan up. By then I'm STILL freezing. He cranks heat to 80. I tell him he can go home and be with Kayden I'm going to bed. He leaves.
The fun part. I'm woken up for vitals and running a fever. Nurse isn't positive the conversion from Celsius to Fahrenheit so tells me about 101. WRONG. It was 103.5. Now this is 8:30 and Ryan had just gotten home. He says he's dropping clothes off with his mom and coming back. Guess what time he got here. Quarter to 12. WTF were you doing for 3.5 hours?! Oh well.
So I wake up and fever is broken. Met with Heart Surgeon. He explained everything. Wrote rx for infusion of antibiotics and chest Xray. Nurse says my antibiotic infusion is every 6 hours :-/ Just found out. May be here a few days.... FML
Monday, April 8, 2013
Searching For A Pig Farm...
Here it is. Today is the last test needed until we
1. Fix my heart doing a catheter or
2. Move forward with Open Heart Surgery
I'm ok, my mind is at peace. I'm not worried, or stressed about this test. It is what it is. But of course, Ryan didn't take last night off, meaning that he has slept oh..... hmmmm... approximately 2 hours.So we get Kayden ready for school. Ryan is literally walking out the door with him so I get in the shower. 2 minutes later Ryan is LEGIT beating on the bathroom door. I'm not talking a hearty knock. I'm talking hand fisted, beating on the door like he's an angry parent about to beat the shit out of their kid who ran to their bedroom to avoid an ass whoopin.
I jump out of the shower, damn near break my neck slipping and falling. I looked like a figure skater in the Olympics the way I was sliding around. I open to door to:
"Where the fuck are Kayden's pills?!"
Me "On the counter"
Ryan: "No they're not"
Naturally I'm quick to the whip when I get agitated. I go from normal to pissed the fuck off in less than 2.4 seconds. I walk out to the kitchen, dripping wet, stark fucking naked. Glance at the counter, no pills. Open cupboard where we keep our medication, Lo and Behold!!!!!! Kayden's damn pills!!!! Holy shit! Stevie Wonder could've found those damn pills. I hand them to him and walk back to bathroom.
Let me elaborate. EVERY TIME I have to go for a procedure Ryan doesn't take the night BEFORE off, he takes the TWO nights after. Leaving me with crabby ass. I don't need much, for the most part I go to all of my appointments alone. I prefer it that way. Gives me one on one time with my doctor so I can process everything. Ryan comes to these procedures because I can't drive home after. This one in particular, if they fix my heart I stay over night. Hell over high water he's staying over night with me. He can go home and come back in the morning.
There was about 5 seconds of time where I almost opened my mouth and told him to stay home. I'd rather have one of the girls with me then to be talked to the way he does. This is a constant fight between the two of us. I don't speak to him this way, not EVER. Yet he's quick to the draw with her verbal assault. 15 years... 15 years of not wanting to fight. We're married now. Lord have mercy, we're married now. After this procedure, he better look out. I'm not doing it anymore. Soon as he opens his mouth to say something asinine to me I'm going to shut it for him. :) It's going to be WWIII in my house for a while, but I WILL teach him how to talk to a woman. I'd NEVER let Kayden talk that way to another human being, I won't let my husband either.
So in closing, today should be fun! I'll keep you guys updated on what's going on :) Tia, I love you. Thank you for coming and keeping me company last night. I truly appreciated it.
1. Fix my heart doing a catheter or
2. Move forward with Open Heart Surgery
I'm ok, my mind is at peace. I'm not worried, or stressed about this test. It is what it is. But of course, Ryan didn't take last night off, meaning that he has slept oh..... hmmmm... approximately 2 hours.So we get Kayden ready for school. Ryan is literally walking out the door with him so I get in the shower. 2 minutes later Ryan is LEGIT beating on the bathroom door. I'm not talking a hearty knock. I'm talking hand fisted, beating on the door like he's an angry parent about to beat the shit out of their kid who ran to their bedroom to avoid an ass whoopin.
I jump out of the shower, damn near break my neck slipping and falling. I looked like a figure skater in the Olympics the way I was sliding around. I open to door to:
"Where the fuck are Kayden's pills?!"
Me "On the counter"
Ryan: "No they're not"
Naturally I'm quick to the whip when I get agitated. I go from normal to pissed the fuck off in less than 2.4 seconds. I walk out to the kitchen, dripping wet, stark fucking naked. Glance at the counter, no pills. Open cupboard where we keep our medication, Lo and Behold!!!!!! Kayden's damn pills!!!! Holy shit! Stevie Wonder could've found those damn pills. I hand them to him and walk back to bathroom.
Let me elaborate. EVERY TIME I have to go for a procedure Ryan doesn't take the night BEFORE off, he takes the TWO nights after. Leaving me with crabby ass. I don't need much, for the most part I go to all of my appointments alone. I prefer it that way. Gives me one on one time with my doctor so I can process everything. Ryan comes to these procedures because I can't drive home after. This one in particular, if they fix my heart I stay over night. Hell over high water he's staying over night with me. He can go home and come back in the morning.
There was about 5 seconds of time where I almost opened my mouth and told him to stay home. I'd rather have one of the girls with me then to be talked to the way he does. This is a constant fight between the two of us. I don't speak to him this way, not EVER. Yet he's quick to the draw with her verbal assault. 15 years... 15 years of not wanting to fight. We're married now. Lord have mercy, we're married now. After this procedure, he better look out. I'm not doing it anymore. Soon as he opens his mouth to say something asinine to me I'm going to shut it for him. :) It's going to be WWIII in my house for a while, but I WILL teach him how to talk to a woman. I'd NEVER let Kayden talk that way to another human being, I won't let my husband either.
So in closing, today should be fun! I'll keep you guys updated on what's going on :) Tia, I love you. Thank you for coming and keeping me company last night. I truly appreciated it.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Take It Down A Notch...
Here I am, after a long, hard day... Laying in bed eating my son's Easter Candy and watching The Voice. Damn I love this show....
Anyways. I'm laughing, crying, and totally immersed in the show, when Kayden walks in and looks at me dissaprovingly. He says 'Mom, could you take it down a notch?? I'm trying to sleep and your laugh is disrupting me.'. He then turns and walks back to his bed.
Naturally, I'm left with my mouth hanging open. Wonderstruck.
My. Kid. Is. Awesome.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Ever Have One Of Those Days?
Where you literally just want to curl up in a ball and hide in a hole somewhere? Today was that day for me. Everything has just been coming down on me lately and I was pretty much at my breaking point. I need a mental health day. Dealing with MS every day is hard, adding on working full time, the MS flare ups, a son, a step son, a husband that works a different shift, a bird I want to kill AT LEAST 10 times a day, getting mentally prepared for Open Heart Surgery, and now Pneumonia. Take ALL of those things and slip them into 5 days. Wouldn't you want to hide too???
Last night I had a rough time sleeping. At 3ish I woke up crying. Not sure why, just crying. Most likely just all of the crazy exhaustion. So this morning when I woke up for work, Ryan fell back a sleep. I went into our 2 year old's bed and went back to sleep. I needed to get away. To not be touched, or bothered or talked to. Kayden and Ryan didn't know I was there and I just needed to be alone. At about 12 o'clock Kayden was playing basketball on his door and saw me. Whispered hi, and asked if I was ok. I naturally told him yes and he went about his business like nothing was wrong. I thought, right there, that I was busted. Ryan continued to roam the house doing things not knowing I was even there. LOL Mind you, my car was in the garage so unless he went into the garage he would have no idea.
As I'm laying in my 2 year old's bed, hiding from my husband and generally, the world and all of my problems, I'm of course telling all of this to my amazing little group of friends. We all giggle like school girls. But seriously, it was getting to the point where I REALLY had to pee. Ryan was getting ready to leave and go to the bank, get our 2 year old and head to his mother's to do some eggs. As a last minute run through he just happened to come into the boys room. Kayden says quietly "Shhhhh.... mom's sleeping on the bottom" Ryan's response was that I was at work, until he peeked over and there I was, sleeping in the bottom of the loft. OOPS.
We talked, it's all good. I know he cares and loves and blah blah blah. Sometimes it's just hard to explain what I'm going through to people. I have this great facade going that everything is going to be ok, i'm totally fine, super woman... all that bullshit. In all reality, i'm kind of losing it here. Thank god only one more week until the damn Trans Esophageal Echocardiogram. I just want to get this surgery over with so I get on with my life.
Side note. The whole time I'm sitting here blogging, my fucking bird is screaming.... where's my Xanax?!
Last night I had a rough time sleeping. At 3ish I woke up crying. Not sure why, just crying. Most likely just all of the crazy exhaustion. So this morning when I woke up for work, Ryan fell back a sleep. I went into our 2 year old's bed and went back to sleep. I needed to get away. To not be touched, or bothered or talked to. Kayden and Ryan didn't know I was there and I just needed to be alone. At about 12 o'clock Kayden was playing basketball on his door and saw me. Whispered hi, and asked if I was ok. I naturally told him yes and he went about his business like nothing was wrong. I thought, right there, that I was busted. Ryan continued to roam the house doing things not knowing I was even there. LOL Mind you, my car was in the garage so unless he went into the garage he would have no idea.
As I'm laying in my 2 year old's bed, hiding from my husband and generally, the world and all of my problems, I'm of course telling all of this to my amazing little group of friends. We all giggle like school girls. But seriously, it was getting to the point where I REALLY had to pee. Ryan was getting ready to leave and go to the bank, get our 2 year old and head to his mother's to do some eggs. As a last minute run through he just happened to come into the boys room. Kayden says quietly "Shhhhh.... mom's sleeping on the bottom" Ryan's response was that I was at work, until he peeked over and there I was, sleeping in the bottom of the loft. OOPS.
We talked, it's all good. I know he cares and loves and blah blah blah. Sometimes it's just hard to explain what I'm going through to people. I have this great facade going that everything is going to be ok, i'm totally fine, super woman... all that bullshit. In all reality, i'm kind of losing it here. Thank god only one more week until the damn Trans Esophageal Echocardiogram. I just want to get this surgery over with so I get on with my life.
Side note. The whole time I'm sitting here blogging, my fucking bird is screaming.... where's my Xanax?!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Today... The First Day Of My Blogging Life!
Well here I am. After reading up on my friends' Blogs I'm here. Ready to put all of my ridiculous thoughts, stories and antics out there. Just wait. I have hilarious friends, the funniest kids and an absolutely crazy life. You think you've seen crazy? You Ain't Seen Crazy Yet.
So to start off this blog I have to say I have an enormously amazing Support team. This past year has been one of the roughest for me. I've been blessed with 3(now 4) of the most amazing women in my life. We've all been through so much this past year and being able to reconnect with them and talk it all out has been insanely therapeutic. Some days I just want to curl up in a ball and just go away from everything but there are more important things to do. Like talk to my friends, share great stories, great meals and GREAT drinks!
Just recently we've all been coming together to start the CLEAN EATING PHASE. This has been a fun one... very interesting for me. But I KNOW I have to do something. So we began. It's been going ok, it will get better once we can actually find recipes we like, stock the things we like and figure everything out. :) It's great to have the girls to pass all of this back and forth with. It helps keep me motivated :)
Unfortunately, corporate america is calling my name. Cutting this a little short. Don't worry, i'll be back soon!
So to start off this blog I have to say I have an enormously amazing Support team. This past year has been one of the roughest for me. I've been blessed with 3(now 4) of the most amazing women in my life. We've all been through so much this past year and being able to reconnect with them and talk it all out has been insanely therapeutic. Some days I just want to curl up in a ball and just go away from everything but there are more important things to do. Like talk to my friends, share great stories, great meals and GREAT drinks!
Just recently we've all been coming together to start the CLEAN EATING PHASE. This has been a fun one... very interesting for me. But I KNOW I have to do something. So we began. It's been going ok, it will get better once we can actually find recipes we like, stock the things we like and figure everything out. :) It's great to have the girls to pass all of this back and forth with. It helps keep me motivated :)
Unfortunately, corporate america is calling my name. Cutting this a little short. Don't worry, i'll be back soon!
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